The struggle is real, but unfair

Everytime I hear them all honing over femininity, I feel ridiculous to even acknowledge that paradigm of insanity. Every single time.

The more one emphasises on a particular subject, it becomes prominent, regardless of how sane or insane the subject really is. And it just does not stop there, but also invites with it people that "realise" in the favour of the subject, or against. Those that realise in the favour of void, find a new cause to fight for, an incoherent one. While those that talk against the subject might just find it as a hobby to impeach and disrepute the purpose itself, or have a different solution(s) to address the subject.

So, what am I talking about?
Many things. Many many social notions that, I feel, are prejudiced and iniquitously practiced.

I organised a technical workshop for women last year. It was to encourage them, boost their morals to get them involved into programming and annihilate the notion that programming was purely men's business. Although the coaches were both men and women, the participants were women only. The day before the workshop I was preparing for my opening speech. I could not find a clear way to convey my emotions for organising this event. I did not want to misinterpret my intentions as all those women participants were foolish enough to not build enough courage to learn a skill, or that they're silly enough to not even acknowledge how to stand tall against the odds. That's when it ticked me why was I doing it in the first place!
The event was very interesting, successful and everything materialised, as expected. I enjoyed the social aspect of it the most. There were women from all age group. All of them with their own stories, own experiences, own reasons to learn this "buzzword"- programming.

Few weeks later, there were series of questions at me for not being "inclusive enough". It stirred my fury, until I realised that that's something coherent and needs a justification, if not for others, for my very self.

I was not wrong in being women centric about the workshop, as much as I was not right in not making the atmosphere accommodating for everybody. There still are some acquaintances that buy into this idea of doing things only for women. It ticks me a bit. Why? Simply because it gives one an impression of women being inferior to men! When that is absolutely not the case. I do not see it as the solution for equal rights. Our men need to be taught about inclusion and respect as much as our women need to resurface their courage and intellect.

Asking for help should not be shameful, but misusing that help as a tool to subjugate the other gender totally is. What good is education if the incorporation of discrimination is still a part of one's morals? What values do we pass on to the next generation?

Laced up corporate

It was not the best weather to start my first day at work, honestly. Had life rolled on preferences, I'd have chosen to keep drifting somewhere in between my consciousness and unconsciousness. It was 08h00 and I literally dragged myself to work. No, it wasn't an OoLala moment for me. I wasn't excited at all. I didn't know the reason, though.

All my team members gathered in the coffee room, and I simply followed. The awkwardness had already begun. The first female backend developer in the team/company. The shortest one, the most casually dressed up one.  I never noticed the latter until my first sip of coffee.
"So, how do you like our company?", asked a mid-aged person beside me, devouring a cupcake all at once. Not the best question that I expected, really but I reciprocated with a smile and answered as he pleased.
"We heard that you've been hired as a Python developer. How much do you know about it? What projects have you done before?" asked the next one. He was my team lead, later I was mentioned about. To answer his question, I started recalling my first attempt to write a small function in Python. And everything that I said after just slipped through in a jabber, not because I chose to, but because I got distracted so much by his sudden bizarre expression, his eyes fixed at something on the ground. Something caused him an ugh, really. I anxiously followed his glance and failed to contemplate anything that could have ridiculed him. I am pretty sure that he overheard everything that I said. Although, my appearance started to bother me a little bit. Every 2 hours I'd go to the toilet to check my shoes, and hair. I was in my favourite Nike sports shoes. The following week I realised how sports shoes were enough to convey so much and yet so little about someone. Everyone there seemed like groomsmen everyday, the women-I barely noticed any around.

Alex, my only Dutch friend then, became a victim of my wardrobe malfunction. He'd give me suggestions to look professional, accompanied me to shop even. Trivial. All in vain. I never felt so insecure about my appearance ever before. Lately, did I realise how trivial it was to even bother about the considerations of corporate protocols that led me underrate my own self. Nevertheless, it always cracks me up to think about the circumstances that perplexed my priorities at work.

This was my second confrontation with the dumb corporate culture that so strongly cultivates and enforces certain etiquettes within the system that, to a certain degree, widens the gap between the workforce and their individuality.

I dressed up very professionally at the second company(and my current employer) on the first day. What a troll ! No one cared. But that's much better than having to care. It was winter. The streets were heavily covered with snow. Several layers of cloths on my body somehow covered up the flaws, though.
Nevertheless, I hardly remember if there were moments of embarrassment due to my punctured sense of style here. What a luxury it was, indeed, to know that my Nike or Puma or even unbranded flipflops were of no concern to nobody. There was enough room to focus on things that mattered to me as a person. I was content to acknowledge my little experience and thrived to learn more. That's something I hold the deepest respect for in ones' being. Knowledge. I am glad I felt like home once again, and this time somewhere far far away from where I was raised.

Before the 365th

The intent to write this blog has been nothing, but coincidental. Considering the fact that my curiosity has unfolded manifold since the beginning of 2018, I'd have engrossed myself into it long back. Perhaps, I was too naive to subjugate my passion for writing about things that commonly go unheard, overlooked by myself in the first place, let alone others.

How often have you felt yourself caught up in a myriad of questions that you dare not ask them? 

I would not be surprised if you feel that more often than not. And I'd certainly find it hard to believe if your answer was NO. 

I am writing this blog to put forth all my questions, confusions, experiences and even obscure thoughts here with a shady hope to have them answered someday by myself, if not, by one of you. Not every answer is comforting. But I do not fancy that either. There are subjects that are drawn in the open in hundred different ways by hundred different minds. I desire no refutations here, but readers that feel good reading my posts and conjugate them with their thought patterns.

My profession is Programming. I go to work every day, see my wonderful colleagues, solve the assigned tickets, brainstorm ideas about progression of the project, and try hard to translate from Dutch to English in my head at the lunch table (sometimes the giggles also). There is so much to learn all the time at work, from people around and the topics that I encounter everyday. Nevertheless, the non-technical aspect of my being is not into conditional loops or whatsoever, but design. I like to read and learn about people, history, culture, religion, anthropology but most importantly the HOWs and WHYs behind everything. That sets my morals, and eventually that's what serves me best as an individual. I do not want to JUST believe.

I grew up with books all around me, and a profoundly dichotomous society. So, the books taught me Earth and people retaliated back with Eve. That only stirred my perplexed little brain. Time cooked up some answers to the questions, some are yet to be answered and I'd be happy to have few of them remain unanswered.

All the boggling WHYs and HOWs in my mind that are hard to express by simply asking someone, I intend to write, like I used to do about the extincting sparrows at my door 15 years ago.



Until next time !